I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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