Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
