Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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