i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
