Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
