Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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