I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Randomize
