I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
