o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
