when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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