Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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