i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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