Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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