If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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