You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Randomize
