I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
