Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
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