I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
