you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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