Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
