My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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