I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
