I faked an abortion last night.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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