I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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