She announced her abortion via fbk
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
