There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
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I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
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These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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