I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
