first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Someone signed my nipple.
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