You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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