Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
