Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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