Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
