Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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