A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
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