I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I stole a fireplace last night.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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