Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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