they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
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Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
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I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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