i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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