it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
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