After last night, I could never be a politician.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
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