Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
