I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
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