Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
