planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
