between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
