They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
