I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
