i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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