you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
