I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
