you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Randomize
