We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
