im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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