You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
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