my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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