he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
