As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
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