i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
This is the high leading the old right now
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
